East Of The Wantsum

For all you lovely EotW fans out there, here's this week's strip. Click on it and it gets bigger. If only sex were that simple. And I make no apologies for returning to the Big Stink. Forget swine flu, at this rate it's only a matter of time before Ramsgate suffers the first UK typhoid epidemic since the 1800s!

Right, I'm off now to get rat-arsed. Then I'll be doing it all over again tomorrow and Sunday at Ramsgate Rocks. If you spot me, I'll shout you a pint of the Gaddfather's finest. It shouldn't be too difficult, as I'm planning on going stark, bollock naked apart from a gross of 99p Store clothes pegs clamped to my nipples and gonads. Have fun people!

Gnome Improvement?

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the stolen garden gnome on the front page of today's Isle of Thanet Gazette and the picture of Councillor Mike 'Turncoat' Taylor sporting a Viking helmet on page 9? Are they by any chance related?

Twat in a hat

Councillor Mike Taylor

Bin Laden With Maggots

As you can imagine, I get literally thousands of emails a day here in the ops room at the old cliff top mansion. Here are a couple that recently slipped through the proverbial, both on the hot (and smelly) topic of our incompetent council's inability to run an effective rubbish collection service.

First off, reader Steve:

The council collects wheelie bins fortnightly and in this heat you get maggots crawling out of 'em like happened to me the other week. It's not pleasant at all, and if you go on holiday and haven't planned it round the wheelie bin day, the bin could be there for four weeks. OMG!

Hmmm. Planning your hols around Thanet Council's rubbish rubbish collection eh? But you're lucky, Steve, at least you have a wheelie bin! A different but identically named reader from Ramsgate writes:

I just read your 'Load of Rubbish' entry. I could not agree more. I live on the West Cliff and we do not have wheelie bins. Every night when I walk my dog on the promenade I look down and see the thousands of wheelie bins down in the port that are getting blown over and broken. I contacted TDC about when I could expect to receive my wheelie bins and I was told that there was no future plan to provide them to my street. They then told me the ones that are down in the port are replacement wheelie bins.

I explained to them many of the people on my street put their rubbish out the night before. The animals get into them and make a mess on the sidewalks and no one ever cleans it up. Providing wheelie bins on our street would help stop the rubbish mess made by the animals, cut down on the nearly nonexistent road sweeping, and would help keep Thanet beautiful. Of course these words fell on deaf ears.

These mindless idiots that we have appointed to help make our island run better cannot see the forest for the trees. I am open to suggestions on how we can make them see the light. In the mean time I think the residents of Ramsgate can start by putting out their rubbish the morning of pick up. If this is not possible then each of us should take enough pride in where they live to clean up the rubbish mess made by the animals in front of our own homes instead of waiting for the nonexistent road sweepers to clean it up.

Fair point, Steve 2. But why exactly are the council storing thousands of 'replacement' wheelie bins down at the port, when there are urban areas that desperately need them? Answers on the usual electronic postcard, please.

Museum Piece

News flashes over my Yahoo! chat that our splendid Maritime Museum is to re-open this weekend. Caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor Green, the new Mayor of Ramsgate, writes:

I don’t want to be prematurely optimistic, but it looks as though Thanet Council have finally realised what an enormous and unnecessary 'own goal' the closure of the Ramsgate Maritime Museum has been.

Since the closure, Ramsgate and Broadstairs residents have, through the petition organised by Ramsgate Councillors, and through letters and phone calls, let the Council know what they think of the decision. The Council have been fortunate that the Preston Steam Trust have been able to pick up where the EKMT have failed, and promise a future for the museum. This seems to have triggered the 'save our museums' campaign in the Gazette Newspaper.

Hurrah! It's most excellent news that the museum will now be open for the summer season, which kicks off here in the Millionaires' Playground with Ramsgate Rocks this weekend. In fact I'm off to polish up my beer goggles right now!

Update: Museum re-opening confirmed. Doors open from Saturday 4 July. See comments on this item for details.

Full story on Cllr Green's blog

Separated At Birth?

Reader Samantha writes:

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the Isle of Thanet and the Central London Congestion Charging Zone? Does this mean we will have to pay £8 between the hours of 7am and 6pm, Monday to Friday, if we wish to drive on the island?

Boris island

Boris's traffic island

Blast From The Past

Crumbs! It's amazing what you can find trawling through back issues of Adscene! Here's Sandy Beach, just before the 2007 local elections, handing over the keys of Ramsgate's West Cliff Hall (or 'Motor Museum' in old money) with the front page headline: New Life For Motor Museum! According to Sandy, the god-botherers in the picture were going to renovate the building and install a juice bar, cream teas, rock school and pie factory.

That was more than two years ago now. And I haven't noticed anything other than weeds going up at the place. Oh well, the photo served its purpose I suppose - Sandy got re-elected. That's the main thing, eh?

More Quality Shopping For Ramsgate

Lumme! It seems that Ramsgate's going to get another pound shop! Or a '99p Store' to be more precise.

According to the excellent yourfannitinnit, the new shop opens in what used to be Woolworths on the high street next Tuesday. With a six figure annual rent to pay, they'll have to sell an awful lot of sticky crap to keep their heads above water. But chain boss Hussain Lalani reckons: 'The public are flocking to our stores and when I say public I mean that in the widest sense.' Er, no, not sure what you do mean there, Hussain. Still, it's 30 new jobs created, so that's not to be sniffed at.

And with a spare mill to invest following the surprise success of my latest blockbuster, Smell the Profit for the Polish Cheese Board, I might just toddle down there and buy a million gross of plastic clothes pegs and attach one to each nipple, and, if I'm feeling really adventurous, clamp another pair to the old Eastcliff Golden Globes. Then all I'll need to do is find somewhere to stick the other 139,999,996!

Full story in yourfannitinnit

Blowing A Gale Part Trois

The story so far... Hufty-tufty Thanet Tory MP Sir Roger Wind has distributed an email complaining at the cheek of the local blue-top in questioning his expenses. After a bit of an old moan, the former Radio Caroline DJ and BBC producer's blistering missive reproduces the impertinent questions the hack asked (see previous two items). Now read on...

Domestic Costs

After seventeen years the furnishings, provided at my own expense, in the London accommodation that I was occupying at the time had become dilapidated. When, in 2004, I determined that I would fight the 2005, 2010 and, probably, further general elections I sought pre-approval from the House of Commons fees office to purchase replacements. The cost of £509 for redecoration, which does not include materials, was considered reasonable as were the other items listed. The total cost averaged out at about £150 per year. This claim has subsequently been examined, along with all other Additional Costs claims, by the Conservative Party`s Scrutiny Panel and I have been requested to make no repayments.

The Isle of Thanet Gazette is wholly aware of the circumstances surrounding the purchase of a television set for professional use. Its sister paper, the Thanet Times, recently ran a plagiarised version of a story published in the Herne Bay Times which was itself lifted from a 'Gale's View' that I wrote for the Herne Bay Gazette and the Thanet Extra in July 2008! That column has been posted on my website ever since - as the Gazette knows full well. The bottom line is that following the demise of my 15-year old, analogue TV, I again sought advance authority to purchase a new TV set in a Comet Warehouse (Margate) sale. The price was 50% lower than the cost of hiring an equivalent set over a six-year (two years remaining of the current parliament and potentially four of the next) period. It was approved as value for money and also cleared by the Scrutiny Panel.

Following a car accident that left her wheelchair-bound for two months, my wife and I decided that I would move from a basement flat (down some steep steps) to the room that I now occupy when in London. In order to make this viable certain adaptations were necessary and these one-off costs were again approved by the Fees Office and have also subsequently been cleared by the Scrutiny Panel.

My Additional Costs claims for rental, utilities and sundries are now amongst the lowest for Members representing out-of-London constituencies and, when the 2008/2009 figures are published will be revealed to be below £6,000 out of a potential £23,000.

Office Costs

The 4,000 posters purchased in 2005 were for 'advice surgery' advertising. These are provided, at the rate of about 1000 a year, to voluntary groups, doctors’ surgeries and dentists, schools, hospitals, businesses and other outlets for notice board use.

Had the Gazette taken the trouble to check the claims more thoroughly they would have learned that I did not pay '£50 to become a Friend of Herne Bay Festival' but bought a £50 advice surgery advertisement in the festival programme. I have also purchased similar space in parish magazines and other such outlets and find it a cost-effective way of reaching my constituents and informing them of the services that we offer.

I regard the money spent maintaining my website as also cost-effective. Not only does it allow me to post press releases, photographs and other information (such as this) that might otherwise be ignored or edited by the local press but, judging by the number of requests for assistance that I receive via the website it helps many people to make contact with me when they most need help.

The computer and broadband costs referred to are in excess of the three office computers installed in my main parliamentary office in Birchington and enable me to access my full office records from the office in my home at any hour of the day or night. It may surprise the Isle of Thanet Gazette to know that many Members of Parliament work what is, effectively, a seven-day week.

The £130 Olympus digital camera and memory card were purchased, with advance approval, for office use. This is not a 'top of the range' camera but represented, at the time of purchase, the best value for money to generate press-quality pictures. We have found that local papers, including the Isle of Thanet Gazette and the Thanet Times, are frequently unable to send reporters and photographers to cover local events (and in my case sometimes parliamentary duties with the armed forces, police or overseas) and have been grateful to receive the pictures and copy that we supply to them free of charge.

The Isle of Thanet Gazette may again be astonished to learn that we deal with a large volume of correspondence. All of my mail and most of my e-mails are opened by me, personally (I arrive in my office at 06.45 and my wife, who runs my parliamentary office, is ordinarily at her desk before 07.00), processed by me and sent by express delivery to Birchington for typing and onward transmission.

We have large numbers of constituents who either cannot afford or do not choose to use e-mail and therefore deal with most post by letter. We are currently turning around between a hundred and a hundred and fifty communications a day and, although we do not always succeed, we try to respond to enquiries within 48 hours.

I am fortunate to have the services of two excellent and dedicated audio typists. After fifteen years one of our Dictaphone systems became unfit for purpose, inefficient and, potentially, a hazard to aural health. I believe that my team have a right to decent office equipment and this machine was replaced. I also bulk-purchased a supply of dictation cassettes to get best value for money: at any one time we may well have six tapes in circulation and although these are re-used they do, of course, wear out and become inaudible after excessive use.

I frankly do not think that it is up to the Isle of Thanet Gazette to try to tell me, or my staff, how to run our office or what equipment we should use. We do, of course, receive complaints from time to time but the general level of customer satisfaction with the speed and efficiency of our handling of constituency casework is amongst the best. (Source: theyworkforyou.com)

My office, like most businesses, uses pens! The special-offer purchase of 100 Regal pens (the 'gift boxes', cardboard containers, were thrown in free) represented good value for money, last longer than slightly cheaper throw-away items and we still have a good supply of them for necessary future use.

Standards of journalism

As a pedant with the glimmerings of a classical education I sometimes use long words. My staff are diligent and we take trouble to try to ensure that our correspondence is literate and grammatically correct, that the right words are employed for the right purposes and that the spelling is checked. We do not always succeed but our standards are high and the office copy of the Oxford English Dictionary assists this process.

Had the Isle of Thanet Gazette staff scrutinised my published claim form properly they might have been better informed. In their eagerness to imply that I have used expenses to buy Rutherfurd`s (excellent) novels for personal use they have clearly looked at the receipt for the dictionary which contains, also, these three books that were bought at the same time. An elementary study of the supporting form shows, however, that only the dictionary was claimed for.

If my constituents believe that I have been either excessive or improper in my use of what we consistently recognise is their taxpayer`s money then they will no doubt tell me so in the usual manner.

Here endeth the email.

Mystery Banging Was Wind Farm Work

Just a quick update on Monday night's mysterious banging. Turns out it was indeed nighttime construction work at the Thanet Offshore Array, where they're pile-driving 100 wind turbines into the sea bed off Margate.

The array's owners, Vattenfall, have apologised for any inconvenience to the isle's inhabitants and said that Monday's disturbance was caused by an unusual combination of weather which drove the sound inland. They say it's unlikely to happen again as they did five years of environmental studies before work began to minimise the impact on residents. However, they've promised to consult on what can be done to change the situation should it happen again.

Contrast that with Manston owners Infratil. They want to fly jumbos over us all night, every night. No environmental studies. No apologies. No nothing. Perhaps they could learn something about being good neighbours from Vattenfall. With that, I'll stop banging on!

Full exclusive story in yourfannitinnit
Sign the petition against night flights

Blowing A Gale Part Deux

Here's the next, um, thrilling instalment of that Roger Gale email! After banging on about 'probity' and responsible journalism (see item below - I mean, how dare a journalist be so impudent as to question a member's expenses!), Rodge regurgitates the email he has received from the Gazunder hack asking for clarification on some of the items he's claimed for. Here it is:

To: GALE, Roger
Subject: Expenses

Following parliament publishing MPs expenses last week we have trawled through MPs expenses and wondered if you could explain your reasons for purchasing the following items/services:

What were the 4,000 A4 posters in March 2005 for?
Is £358 a year for your website worth the money?
Why did you spend £97 on 100 Regal pens and 100 gift boxes?

Taxpayers might be interested in your reasons for spending money on the following items…

£365 on a dictation machine then following year spent £104 on cassettes
£695 on bedroom furniture
£125 on towels and bedding
£509 on decorators
£875 on a new computer system
Books - The Forest by Edward Rutherfurd , Sarum by Edward Rutherfurd, Russka by Edward Rutherfurd - 7.99 each
Oxford dictionary £36
£129.99 on a silver Olympus camera + £34.99 on a memory card
£63 in 2006 on curtains re-tailored
£549.99 on a 26" Phillips TV
£1,700 for plumbing, electrical, redecoration and installation of handrail September 2007
£50 to become a friend of the Herne Bay festival

I wondered why you went for a tape Dictaphone over a hard-drive based one? As it means extra expense on tapes?
Did you need the new bedroom furniture as your home was empty?
Why did you claim for the books you purchased?
Why did you become a friend of the Herne Bay festival and then claim it back?
How do you go about getting the best value when it comes to technology, for example £550 for a TV, £875 on a computer?

We’re running the story in this week’s Gazette.

Isle of Thanet Gazette, Thanet Times and Thanet Adscene
Suite 1, Third Floor, Mill Lane House, Mill Lane, Margate, Kent.
CT9 1JU
Phone- 01843 578152

Tomorrow - what Roger said next!

Gale Blasts Gazunder Over Expenses Story

Holy claim sheets! It appears our Tory MP for Norf Fannit has got the right royal hump with the Gazunder over its MPs' expenses story last week. A Sarf Fannit reader who wishes to remain anonymous has sent me an email that Rodge seems to be circulating. It begins:

I have received, from a reporter acting on behalf of the editor of the Isle of Thanet Gazette, the following e-mail. My response is published beneath the e-mail and I leave it to my constituents to judge both the probity of my own actions and the probity and motives of what has hitherto been regarded as a responsible local newspaper.

For my own part I am saddened by both the tone of this approach and by the fact that the newspaper has failed to properly check its questions and assertions against facts that are in the public domain.

I regard with disdain the threat implied in the statement: 'We`re running the story in this week's Gazette'.

Roger Gale MP
House of Commons,
25th June 2009

There's loads more, including a long list of queried expenses from the Gazunder, and Sir Roger Wind's blustery riposte. But rather than bore you to distraction in one go, I'll publish it as a partwork over the next day or two. Once you've collected all of them, there's a free duck island on offer!

Mysterious Banging

Reader Tom of Westgate writes:

Have you noticed a loud banging in the air lately? I was kept awake by it last night from about 11pm, when I first noticed it, to about 2.30am, when it seemed to stop. It was a distant thud, almost like a huge gun firing every two seconds. I tried to record it on camcorder and dictaphone but it didn’t register at all. When I first heard it it sounded like the steady beat of dance music but after a bit I noticed it hadn’t changed.

I opened the window and listened and it was like the very ground was shaking with each strike, shuddering like the T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park. I am totally perplexed. The only thing I could think it might be was the boats that are doing the wind farm, doing the foundations. It seemed to be emanating from the direction of the sea but then again, would they do all that late at night? Perhaps it’s just a phenomenon up on the north side of the isle.

Any ideas? It was driving me to distraction last night and I want to know if anyone else heard it. I asked my flatmates this morning but they looked at me like I was mad. They probably don’t have trouble sleeping like me.

Hmmm. A mysterious, regular nighttime banging that shakes the whole room. What on earth could it be? Over to you luvvly readers!

Get Carter!

News that the ruddy-faced leader of Kent County Council couldn't even be bothered to turn up to Friday's airport meeting just goes to demonstrate the contempt and ignorance the Maidstone Tories have when it comes to our septic isle.

This is the man whose grasp of his county's geography is so good that his fondest quote is that planes from Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport 'fly straight out to sea'. The meeting had been specially arranged around his diary, and around 150 people attended, most of whom were relishing the opportunity to point out that there is a splendid Victorian seaside town of 40,000 right under the flightpath. And maybe question why he had voted himself an 8% increase in his expenses the day before. Admittedly there was the odd lunatic fringe member, like Ramsgate First's Gerry O'Donnell who seems to think a jumbo flying a few hundred feet every five minutes over his East Cliff kiosk would be good for business. Oh, and the Thanet Tories' Labour poodle, Mike Harrison, head of the Airport Working Group, who by his own admission is 'not the brightest person' (why do you think you got the job, Mike?). But they were heavily outnumbered.

Fortunately a motion was carried to report the Tory twonk to the Standards people. One man, Ron Blay, unfurled a banner saying 'No night flights, no training flights', and several people seemed to be having stand up rows with the airport's Kiwi boss Matt Clarke. Oh I do like a bunfight!

Carter the farter in yourfannitinnit
Sign the petition against night flights

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's East of the Wantsum (click on image to enlarge). Given the scorchio weather this weekend, and another massive fire in Margate, it's pretty timely if you ask me! It was like the Costa del Ramsgate here on the beach yesterday, with our clapped out Royal Pavilion and miles of Pleasurama hoarding gleaming in the sun, and giving the whole place a positively Monte Carlo air!

Forecaster Gets It Right For A Change

In amongst all the Wacko Deado media frenzy of the last twelve hours, you may have missed Radio 4 weather presenter Tomasz Schafernaker forecasting 'muddy shite' for Glastonbury today. If so, here it is again in all its glory:

Sandy Talks Out Of His Binhole

Our beloved leader Sandy Beach is spouting off about the deplorable state of our streets in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder. Not that in his blinkered, cosy little wall-to-wall-carpeted world he could possibly imagine anything's wrong. No. Not our Sandy.

Following last week's front page headline 'Rubbish Ghettos', Sandy says: 'I thought it was one of the most negative and inaccurate (headlines) I have ever read'. The Tory Commissar then dons his rose-tinted D&Gs and spouts forth about how everything 'looked great' when he toured the isle with Gazunder reporter Saul Leese this week. Really Sandy? Everything 'looks great' does it?

Well tell that to the frail little old ladies who I witnessed trying to negotiate the landfill of crap that is Augusta Road, while I was on my way to buy this week's paper. One of them, sporting (if that's the right word) a zimmer frame, was discussing with her friend how best to get past the mountain of dirty nappies, Stella cans and food waste that was spewed all over the pavement. Evidently they were on their way from the sheltered flats on the corner of Wellington Crescent and Disgusta Road into town to do some shopping. Eventually they gingerly stepped into the road where they were narrowly missed by a car. I could publish a picture of the mess, but to be honest it would be the same as the one I published more than two years ago. Since when you've done cock-all about the problem, presumably because there are no Tory votes in this area.

So, Sandy, instead of blaming the seagulls, or the residents who pay your ludicrous expenses, why not look at your administration and see where it is failing? There are thousands of wheelie bins lying idle down at the port. People are quoted in this week's paper as saying they'd even pay for wheelie bins. And if some areas aren't suitable for wheelies, then introduce continental style communal bins at the end of each street. If not, perhaps you could give us one good reason why we shouldn't bag you up and put you out for the birds!

Thriller Iller Than Previously Thought

In Memoriam
Michael Jackson
Black (and white) minstrel

So farewell
Then, Michael Jackson.

You were a fan
Of plastic surgery
Chimps and
Small children.

They called you
'Wacko Jacko'.
And you were
Famous for
Doing the moonwalk.
But not in a
Neil Armstrong
Kind of way.

Still, death comes
To us all.
And not even you
Could beat it.

E. C. Richard (29)

Night Flights? No Thanks!

I’m not one of those lentil-munching, boggle-eyed green types who go around in their hand-loomed, organic hemp undercrackers protesting against anything with an exhaust pipe. But I do take offence at the Cecil Square duffers paving the way for Manston's Kiwi owners to fly crappy old freight planes over my bonce every hour of the day or night.

Tomorrow night Paul Carter, that ruddy-faced Tory who heads up Kent County Council, will be over at Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport, meeting the airport consultative committee. This is the man who thinks planes from Manston 'fly straight out over the sea'. For the head of Kent County Council he shows a woeful ignorance of his county's geography, and Ramsgate's position therein. He's also fond of saying Manston has the lonegest runway in the UK. Wrong again, beetroot head! It's the 14th longest.

Now, this is going to be a public meeting and it'll be well worth attending, if only to witness the hypocrisy of airport-loving Bignews Tony bowling girlie underarms to a man that he bodylines most days. But the main thing is, if you don't want gaffer-taped old Ghanaian 747s full of rotting bananas stuffed with hookie ciggies blasting the tiles off your roof at 3am as they creak and groan their way into what could well be their final resting place, get along to the meeting and make your views known. It's at 7pm tomorrow (Friday) evening, in the airport departure lounge.

And to all those (three or maybe four) people who think flying planes at night over a Victorian seaside town with more listed buildings than Bath is a really, really good idea, I have this to say. 95 people have so far signed the petition against night flights. But before you crap on about how miniscule you think that number is, do take a look at the Downing Street website. There you'll find a petition imploring Our Gordon Master to expand the airport, created by one Connor Gower. Connor, it would appear, is in Year 9 at Sir Roger Manwood's school in Sandwich. His petition ran for six months. Six months in which all the hundreds of thousands of people who supposedly support an expanded airport could have stopped being the joystick jockeys' 'silent majority' and put their hand up to be counted. And how many signatures did Connor collect?

Eight. Including his own.

Sign the petition against night flights
Only eight people voted for Manston expansion
Manston expansionist competes in schools maths competition
Bignews Margate blasts KCC redhead

Thought For Food

Despite what many were clearly hoping (if the emails are to be believed) I was not the poor soul who went over the cliff at Wellington Crescent the other night. I am still among you. It's nice to know I have so many, er, ill-wishers though.

Sticking with the subject of the last item - grub - I've received a request from the owner of the new caff on Margate's Harbour Arm (or 'pier' in old money) to be added to the list of recommended nosheries in my sidebar on the right. Jean writes:

Dear Eastcliff Richard,

Can I join the listings for your café/eating section? How do I go about it?

I have opened a small café on the Harbour Arm in Margate called BeBeached and have attached a copy of the menu herewith – this is an all day brunch menu and I also always have specials running – things like pies, macaroni cheese, stuffed aubergines, beef hash, boston baked beans with potato cakes, and on Sundays we have meat from Quex farm, nut roast, and other vegetarian options.

Hope to hear back,

Jean

Well that all sounds very yummy Jean! And the menu looks fantastic, although you might want to cut back slightly on the drizzleds, sprinkleds and, um, 'trickled's. However, before it can be recommended by Thanet's premier blog, I need some feedback. So if any of you luvvly readers out there can vouch for BeBeached, do let me know!

BeBeached website

Dine And Whine

Regular contributor Samantha writes:

We went to Harveys Fish Market, the new restaurant on Ramsgate Harbour last night. It's beautifully kitted out but a bit pricey for Ramsgate I feel. It was interesting to see the rather posh barman (he's their wine-buyer, apparently) turning away drinkers with a polite 'We're a restaurant not a pub'. The finish of the venue looks good but will Thanet folk pay £13 (minimum) for a main course with at least £3 for any side orders? My risotto, whilst nice, was literally three dessert spoonfuls with two lettuce leaves.

If Ramsgate is the 'new millionaires' playground' [Yes it is - Ed] perhaps it'll succeed but at the moment... Mind you, it's owned by the same guy who owns the Blazing Donkey where the lunch bill for a very modest meal was so ridiculous we never went back!! I asked for a starter to be a main and you should have seen the size of the portion - you needed a magnifying glass to spot it!!

If you give it a whirl do let me know. I want these new places to succeed otherwise it'll only be Thorley's that'll be left.

PS: Didn't realise the place on the harbour had gone as the advertising boards are still in situ but there seems to be a 'for sale' sign on the building. Didn't walk the whole way as it looked empty.

Well, that's one review of the new plaice place. I'll hang fire for further reports before I consider it for my Recommended Thanet Nosheries in the sidebar on the right. And yes, the caff at the end of the east pier is no more. It was called the Harbour Lights, but they went out a few months back I gather.

Plaque Remover

Nothing to do with the old Eastcliff gnashers this. No, toddling along the front during my constitutional this morning, I noticed this empty space where there used to be a commemorative plaque on the East Cliff chine. I seem to recall it was dated 1926, which was presumably when the decorative rocks were erected that give the place its oh-so-Dorset feel.

I'd like to think that the Borough's Director of Works has removed it for restoration, but that's just me and my little fantasy island that I live in. It's much more likely that the skinny bloke in the white van who goes around nicking any piece of spare metal from people's gardens has half-inched the thing, and that it's being melted down at this very moment to make the bronze medals that our plucky British sportsmen and women will be hoovering up in 2012!

£38,786.29 The Pair!

And a right pair they are too, if you ask me. Yes, £38,786.29 is the amount claimed by Sandy Beach and Deputy Rodge from the council in expenses last year. Just imagine how many wheelie bins we could have had for that. And the wheelie bins would almost certainly have done a better job!

It's quite incredible that the Tory leader and deputy leader could rack up nearly £40K in the pursuit of pottering around our lovely island (because, of course, as we all know following last year's Tesco bag revelations, their sightseeing jaunts to more exotic climes like China tend to be freebies from local developers). But there it is.

Our councillor's expenses were published by TDC in the Thanet Extra classifieds last week, but not in any other papers I clapped my minces on. So in the interest of public interest, here's the list in full (click the image to enlarge):

Poop Deck

Avast behind! Or at least it must have been a pretty substantial botty that produced this eurgh that's floating around our magnificent Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground. It's enough to make me hang up my brass-buttoned blazer and captain's cap. Yep, I've decided. The deck shoes are going back in the wardrobe, and I'll be returning my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition) to Hiltons toute de suite!

Ramsgate's Bog Event

I'm referring, of course, to yet another public khazi closed due to cutbacks by our incompetent council. This now-inconvenient convenience stands at the eastern end of the, er, leisure facility known as the Never-Ending Pleasurama Eyesore, just before you get to the Car Park Of Fun. Further along, you can marvel at the Demolished Grade II Listed Marina Restaurant, and then proceed to the EU-Funded Dogging Facility That Used To Be A Magnificent Swimming Pool. I'll add this one to the definitive done-for dunnie list I'm compiling, which I'll publish next week.

Meanwhile it's heartwarming to know that an estimated £100,000 of your hard-earned sovs have been spent this weekend staging an exhibition of joystick jockeys flying round in circles over at Palm Bay. Margate's Big Event has had the presumably unintended consequence of dragging most of the people who would have been spending dosh on the island's towns and beaches to a windswept, roped off area of clifftop grassland. Where they will instead spend their money with burger vendors from Neasden and hot cock roll sellers from Sevenoaks.

Of course, I much prefer the thrill of seeing a Lancaster circling our island, or the sight of a Typhoon at full throttle, to the usual knackered old crates that blight the place. And presumably some cash will have been generated through landing fees at Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport, unless they used Sarfend. Which fees will naturally return to the local economy... of Wellington, New Zealand!

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's East of the Wantsum. Click on it to get the bigger picture.

Now, last week I had some unsolicited advice and crappy comments from various anonymous numbskulls, the most laughable being 'Stick to what you're good at'. Really, how would you know what I'm good at? And how would we know that you're good at anything whatsoever? Anyhow, it all got a bit messy.

I'm nipping out now for a few glasses of Krug with one of my millionaire chums, so do play nicely. I don't want to have to throw my toys out of the pram again when I get back!

News Rubble

Four piles of news to report:

BONG! It seems our beloved council's planning department has actually refused Auclair Properties permission to rebuild our Grade II listed Marina Restaurant, which they so carelessly demolished 500 days ago.

At the time there were mutterings about prosecuting them unless they put it back together brick by brick. But due to the current state of the property market Auclair claimed that would be uneconomical without an 'enabling development', viz a carbuncle of 'luxury flats' welded to the side. According to my chum Bertie Biggles, the council has now grown a shiny set of Gordon Ramsay style testicles and told them to stick their carbuncle where the sun don't shine! Hurrah!

BONG! The super-duper, 800mph trains that will whisk Londoners to and from the Millionaires' Playground in under 15 minutes have begun regular services between Ashford and St Pancras. The limited service is in preparation for the real deal - Ramsgate to St Pancras - in December. No wonder fine restaurants and snazzy boutiques are opening up daily here in the Cannes of Kent! Here's a glimpse of one of the 3000mph trains on a test run out of Ramsgate:


BONG! The Met Office forecasts our lovely tip of Kent could well be a sizzling 56 degrees centigrade by summer 2080 due to global warming. By then it'll definitely be time to break out the parasols and pinas, as Ramsgate basks in Mediterranean sun while Marbella burns to a crisp! Mind you, I'm not sure Kaddy Tea-Pot and the rest of the weather chaps have perfected the five day forecast yet, let alone the 72 year one!

BONG! And finally, who's this doing a Judith Chalmers impersonation on behalf of Thanet Council?


And there was me thinking Smell the Profit was a stinker! 'Ramsgate is easily accessible by car, boat train or plane. European flights are available into Thanet's own Manston Airport.' Actually it was only Jersey the last time I looked, luv!

More Drama!

News that there may be some sort of film crew on the island has made the old Eastcliff lugholes prick up! Apparently ITV1 [What that? - Ed.] are shooting a drama over on the seedy north side. Grubby north island inhabitant Gerry writes:

Dear Dick,

I was out on my velocipede this morning cycling along the promenade at Westgate-sur-Mere (home of all good local politicians) and noticed a number of film unit type people hanging around in groups. I thought at first they were drug addicts or on day release from prison, it's so hard to spot the difference.

Anyhow I thought since you prefer to imagine the north side doesn't even exist I'd take a look at the Doc's blog as he prefers to imagine the south side doesn't exist. Brilliant, something there but it only left me confused as in the comments he refers to 'the earlier story below about the production' - errrrrrr where? I'm confused as much about that as I am with Tory party policy.

One of the trailers where the stars live between scenes (you must have your own I'd imagine) had the name Louise Pennell on it. Who? And does she put out?

PS: I have come home to get my beret, sunglasses and packet of jazz cigarettes to return to the 'set' and see if I can break into the industry. Tally ho.

Er, good luck with that Gerry. Apparently this is all something to do with Lynda La Plante (see linkie below). And Louise? Well I'm not normally one to kiss and tell, but I did do it doggy style with her round the back of the 007 stage at Pinewood a few years back, during which, I might modestly add, she squealed like a stuck pig. Hmm. Maybe I should trot over to Westgate and, er, reintroduce myself!

Simes on Lynda La Plante
Simes on Westgate 'like the south of France' (as if!)

Expenses

Sitting here diddling filling out my expenses for Smell the Profit, I thought I'd see if I could pick up any tips from my local MPs. As you probably know, our democratic representatives' claims were published online today, but with all the juicy bits censored.

Now, this is not meant in any way to be a slur on Dr Ladyman or Sir Roger, both of whom are generally regarded as good constituency MPs. Yes, Roger does have some bonkers idea about building a train station at Manston to serve fewer than 12,000 passengers a year. And then there was that iffy £25K donation from the China Gateway people to Ladychap's South Thanet Labour lot. But nobody's perfect (present company excepted).

A quick trawl through the Gale books elicited piles of bills for BT, Vodafone, postage, food... all the usual stuff really. I'm not sure I'd be able to get away with fitted bedroom wardrobes, though, or nearly £3,000 for a website. Let alone £300 for the annual use of Birchington Methodist Church's car park and £60 for advertising in the local parish magazine. And £340 for a bust dunnie. Still, it's my £137,337 and he can do what he likes with it I suppose.

Moving on to Our Steve, he frequently tells us he publishes his expenses on his website, although I'm buggered if I could find them there earlier. His 2007-8 claims also cover the normal-for-an-MP costs like, er, mortgage, utilities, council tax, insurance and publicity, including £300 for a half page appearance in Ramsgate FC's footie programmes. Indeed, he seems to have spent a remarkably similar amount to Roger - £137,559. If I was a cynical sort, I might even imagine these MP chaps were putting in claims based on some kind of mythical annual 'allowance' rather than actual expenditure. A monthly claim for precisely 250 quidsworth of petty cash from Steve does nothing to dispel that notion.

Hmm. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stiff the Polish Cheese Board with any of that lot. But then the old Eastcliff fridge is currently stocked to the rafters with Oscypek so there's always a silver, if somewhat whiffy, lining!

Roger's expenses
Steve's expenses